


the man with the blue hair

by Roserosierosy



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Comic Relief, Crack, Dialogue Heavy, Humor, Incurable Diseases, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Slow Burn, Suffering, Tags will update as we go, Traveling, Young Love, hongjoong is a lovely soul, hongjoong is hiding things, hospital au, mentions of illness and sicknessess, mingi and jonho are doctors, seonghwa has slight anxiety, seonghwa is a painter, this do be depressing, wooyoung and san are dating, yunho and yeosang are nurses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:26:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29937552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roserosierosy/pseuds/Roserosierosy
Summary: seonghwa loved painting giant butterflies and ponies on the windows that lined the pediatric center because it would bring the biggest smiles to the children that stayed there.he figured that their lives were painful enough, having to deal with the terrors of treatments everyday, that hopefully the beautiful and vibrant colors would help remind them of what their childhood was supposed to be like.but all the years he had been volunteering there, which had been many, he had never seen a certain blue haired man, surrounded by all the children in the unit, reading them the special story of charlotte's web.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 11
Kudos: 14





	1. white

**Author's Note:**

> make sure you read the tags carefully, if you're not good with the mentions of death and suffering with sicknesses, this may not be the story for you.
> 
> other than that, please enjoy <3.
> 
> also, the story charlotte's web is mentioned and some of the quotes are directly from the book. all credit goes to that author !!

seonghwa graduated university with a degree in fine arts. he was told all his life that he wouldn't be able to do anything useful with that degree from the moment he declared it as his major. his parents told him that he should've gone into the sciences, been a doctor or even a lawyer, something that would give him a substantial amount of money so he could support himself.

while he knew that they were right because making it big as an artist, a painter no less, was not something that most people ever accomplished. even prodigies, amazing painters that had graduated before him and were expected to do something great with their lives, were not doing so well.

but despite all the backlash and nearly being disowned from his parents, he couldn't find it in himself to do something else.

he loved painting.

he wouldn't consider himself the best, or even all that talented for that matter, which some of his friends would tell him that he was just being humble. he loved designing and drawing cartoon characters, painting them in these vibrant colors that nearly made those 2D drawings into something 3D. he was extremely lucky, being picked up by a small, struggling company that went around doing part time volunteer work at local hospitals only a few months after graduating,

everyone told him that he would regret his decisions and would have to go back to university to study something that he could actually use. but it's been four years since and he has never regretted anything.

the same company grew over the years, thanks to many sponsors and supporters that loved what they stood for and decided to help finance them. so for the past four years, seonghwa had been working with them, becoming one of the most requested artists to help decorate the giant windows that lined the pediatric center of the children's hospital.

at one specific location, seonghwa just volunteered his time. the hospital was a struggling one, they didn't have enough money for extra expenses to hire artists to help bring life and color into the very gloomy lives of the children that suffered there. so when people told seonghwa that he would do nothing good with his degree, he would immediately tell them that they were wrong.

he got to see children who were in pain all day long, smile because of a painting of a pony he did. to him, that was what made everything worth it.

he knew nearly every nurse and doctor there. it was a super small hospital and care center, but the community was strong and had a wonderful sense of family that all the other hospitals he worked at, did not have. he grew very acquainted with yunho and yeosang, who were both pediatric nurses that spent all day in the unit caring for the children. he admired them, they both were younger than him and he found it amazing how they were so good with the kids, they knew how to calm them down when the shots were too painful for them to handle.

at the same time, he also felt really sorry for the two nurses. he could never do something like that. he could never be in the constant presence of children every day who spent most of their lives suffering and in pain. seonghwa was too soft and caring, he grew too connected to anyone, especially children. it was extremely hard on him, when he noticed that a child's room was being cleared out, the parents not making any eye contact with anyone and looking more loss than anything.

he felt like he had lost a bit of his heart whenever that happened, so he could only imagine how the two nurses felt.

it was a cancer research hospital after all, and it was inevitable, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. no matter what, seonghwa couldn't help but make friends with all the kids there, teaching them how to paint shapes and small animals when they were feeling up to it. he came around at least once a month to redo the main themes in the halls, and if his schedule was open enough, he would try and come by every weekend to have little playdates with the kids.

he knew everyone there, and practically knew all of their off days and even their schedules for the most part. so it came as a shock to him when he came in one day, changing his current my little pony theme to nemo, that he noticed there was a certain blue haired man, that was seated up on a cushion in the middle of the waiting room with all the children surrounding him as he was reading them the iconic story of charlotte's web.

he had listened for awhile, trying to decided if he had seen the man before or not, but ultimately deciding that he had not. he had a nice voice, it was calming even to seonghwa to listen to him read the story about the iconic pig and a spider. he couldn't help but smile as he heard some of the children gasp and giggle, the man smiling as his face became animated when he tried to act out the words he was speaking.

the more that seonghwa watched him, leaning up against the wall in the doorway to the unit, he couldn't help but notice that the man hardly ever looked down at the book. it seemed he had memorized nearly the entire few chapters that he was reading. but as much as he wanted to continue to listen, he had some work to do before his favorite child came back from her treatment.

he didn't like to claim he had favorites, but this one little girl had been there the longest. she had come in a week later than seonghwa's first day there. she was an adorable girl, who had leukemia and no matter how sick she felt, she always greeted seonghwa with at least some form of a smile and ask him what he was going to draw for her.

he wanted to have her window painted first, using his putty knife to scrape the old painting of a pony and mixing up his colors that he needed to paint a giant dory with nemo and his dad on the clean window. it seemed to be a very quiet and easy day, the nurses' station wasn't too busy and most of the kids were present in the circle surrounding the older man.

days like these were seonghwa's favorite. the spirits were high and everyone seemed to be in a good mood, even yeosang who tended to be on the grumpier side. the blonde man was even sitting with the children, having a small boy sitting on his lap and trying his best to keep him engaged. his blue scrubs had bits of black marker stains on his legs, definitely from the children who were playing around with the coloring books the hospital provided for them.

seonghwa painted in many different styles, he absolutely loved abstract painting and anything to do with nature. he had giant canvases at home that were decorated with mountains, rainforests and even beach sceneries. of course he had never let anyone see them before, they were his secret treasure.

but he also loved to do these simple cartoon drawings. ones that allowed for colors that you wouldn't find naturally in nature. the hospital let him paint with vibrant colors, whereas in when he was home alone in his apartment, his color scheme seemed to be much darker.

it never took him long to finish the pediatric unit, or even decorate the windows to the entrance on the emergency side. when he put in his headphones, he could finish the project in three hours tops.

but today, he didn't even think to grab the headphones that were around his neck. he let the joyous sounds of the children laughing and the mysterious blue haired man's animated voice. he loved listening to how he would fluctuate his voice, and change even the sound of it depending on which character was talking. seonghwa had finished the outline of the paintings he was going to do, all that was left was to fill in the base coat and work on the different shading colors.

"by helping you..." he heard the man speak behind him, the children growing quieter as they listened to the story, "...perhaps i was trying to lift up my life a trifle. heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that."

of course they were too young to understand what any of that meant, or to decided what it meant to them, and seonghwa thought briefly that maybe reading charlotte's web to a bunch of toddlers wasn't the best book choice. but the tiny gasps and small "wows" that filled the room brought a smile to his face.

seonghwa fell into a rhythm, once his paintbrush hit the glass, he was in his own world. time also flew by like this, and it either took yunho to tap his shoulder and tell him that his time was up or he was able to finish the whole thing in the time allotted to him. most of the time he needed two days to finish the project, he was an overachiever at best and wanted the absolute best for the children.

so when he felt a tap on his shoulder, he knew it was his very tall friend, telling him that it was time for them to do their rounds and he would have to leave.

"i'm almost done yunho," he said, not even bothering to turn around as he painted some fine white details onto dory and friends. "just need to finish up some tiny details and i'll be out of your way."

"oh sorry," that voice definitely wasn't yunho's. "i'm not yunho..."

seonghwa turned around quickly, his vision being filled immediately with a very bright blue color.

his hair was a lot fluffier up close, it clearly had been permed or over curled. the man attached to the blinding color was a bit shorter than seonghwa was, but he only had to tilt his head downwards just a little to meet the smaller man's eyes.

"oh sorry about that," seonghwa bent downwards to put down the paint he was holding and his brush, wiping his hands on his painter's shirt, getting the white paint everywhere. "i'm used to one of the nurses coming and shooing me out of here before it gets too late."

"no need to apologize," the man chuckled, and seonghwa could see the book clutched in his right hand. "i just wanted to say that you paint very well. i've been watching you for a little bit now, and i think you're really good."

"oh, thank you," seonghwa rubbed at the back of his neck. "i try and do my best for the kids."

"they'll love it. i'm guessing you're the only that painted the ponies too?"

"yeah that was me."

"you're like a real artist," the man smiled widely, "how long have you been doing this for?"

"well..." seonghwa started, but he looked around the room to try and find either yeosang or yunho. he needed to check his time before he stressed the two nurses out even more. they had enough things to deal with, and asking seonghwa to leave was not something they also needed on their plate. but unfortantly the two of them were no where to be found, probably helping the children back into their rooms after their story time ended some time ago.

"ever since i graduated university, i volunteer my time here when i can."

"you look young," the man commented, taking in seonghwa's awkward stance. "i'd say five years max."

"four actually."

"you come here often?"

"i try to come every week at least to see some of the kids, but i've been super busy with other projects that i haven't been able to come for the past three weeks."

"ahh," the other man stepped a little closer, nodding his head and all seonghwa could focus on was the way that his hair bounced with the movement. "i was wondering why i hadn't seen you before, everyone seemed to already know you."

"oh really?" seonghwa asked, he had a rather pleasant feeling bubbling in his chest from the idea of the children or staff members talking about him.

"the kids like to show me pictures, saying that a pretty painter man painted them for them."

that brought a smile to seonghwa's face, and he once again was reminded why he loved his job so much.

"i'm guessing your name is seonghwa. i heard the nurses talking about someone visiting today with that name."

seonghwa nodded his head again. he wasn't sure if it was polite to offer his hand out now, or if it was already too late into the conversation and would make it awkward. so he just kept both his white stained hands by his sides. the smaller man before him smiled again, shifting back and forth on both of his feet.

seonghwa wasn't exactly the best people person you'll ever meet. he was shy and awkward and never knew what to do with his hands, much less know how to carry a conversation. he grew anxious in the man's presence, trying to figure out if he should excuse himself to keep working on his painting or try and come up with another small conversation because the smaller man had been kind enough to strike one up first.

but it seemed none of that was necessary, seonghwa could see a tall man, wearing the same old blue scrubs he wore every day, round the corner of the unit. he made eye contact with yunho, the taller man waving at him with a soft smile.

even though he looked exhausted, probably on his last few hours of his forty eight hour shift, he still managed to look more approachable than seonghwa ever would.

"seonghwa," he called out softly, stopping in front of the two males. "sorry to interrupt..."

"don't worry," the man with the blue hair assured the nurse.

yunho nodded to him, a very tired smile still on his face. "i hate to do this to you, especially with the short notice. getting the kids settled took longer than we thought, yeosang is still kept hostage. but we need you to pack up and be out of here in like five minutes."

"don't worry about it, i know you're busy."

"I appreciate it so much. the paintings look amazing as always. hyejin will especially love them when she comes back."

"oh, that reminds me," seoghwa quickly added, grabbing something from one of the many pockets that lined his pants. he pulled out a piece of paper and gave it to yunho. "give this to her when she comes back please."

"will do," yunho grabbed the piece of paper, stuffing it carefully into the elastic of his scrubs. "she's had a really hard day today, she'll appreciate it very much."

seonghwa furrowed his eyebrows, his forehead wrinkling a little with worry. "bad day?"

"yeah," yunho sighed, running his hand through his hair. "her body hasn't been accepting the new treatment lately, the new medication is too strong on her body."

it was quiet for a few moments, seonghwa just nodded his head and pursed his lips together. hyejin's has a very aggressive form of leukemia, and she had been doing so well for a year until it seemed it got worse over night. now they were struggling to find something that worked but wasn't too harsh on her little body. seonghwa tried to stay up to date with her condition as much as he could, but it was hard to hear and accept that she wasn't seeming to get better at all.

he hated seeing her so sick and in pain.

"right, well..." he mumbled after a few moments. "i'll get out of your hair, i'll finish it up tomorrow. make sure to get yeosang another cup of coffee within the next hour."

"will do," yunho chuckled, agreeing with seonghwa because he knew it was in everyone's best interest that yeosang was in a good mood. "oh, thank you for coming and reading for them again, they love that story so much."

the man turned to yunho and bowed down a little, "i'm happy to anytime, i love reading to them."

with that, yunho walked away from them, disappearing to the nurse's station to grab the itinerary for the rest of the day before he was allowed to leave. both of the men watched the tall man leave, awkwardly turning to each other when they were left alone.

"ah well," seonghwa tried, scratching the back of his neck again. "i've gotta get going."

"let me help," the man offered, "i've got nothing better to do."

"oh are you sure? i don't want to be a bother, there's a lot."

"i wouldn't offer if i didn't want to."

the man helped seonghwa clean up, cleaning off his paint brushes in the bathroom and then helping him seal all the paint containers. seonghwa made sure to leave a sticky note on each of the windows that he had painted that said "do not touch, wet paint," in giant letters. the clean up process went so much quicker with two, than it would if seonghwa did it by himself. he would have to make many trips to his car and back to get all his supplies to and from safely. but with someone else, they only needed to do two trips total.

the man helped seonghwa load everything into the back of his car, where he would keep until the following day. surprising, the work had made seonghwa break out into a small sweat. it wasn't a really hot day, but there was no cloud cover at all and in his defense, the walk was not a small one and the supplies were heavy.

"thank you for your help," seonghwa said to the other man, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. "usually takes me a lot longer to clean up when it's just me."

"no problem, i like to help people as much as i can," the man smiled at him again, his teeth were so white and perfect that they were nearly blinding. "it wasn't all that bad either, a nice little workout."

and seonghwa tried not to huff at that, it didn't seem like a nice little workout to him. that, or maybe he was just so out of shape these days.

"something like that," he added awkwardly. the anxious feeling coming back to him as soon as silence settled upon them once again. he reached up and grabbed the trunk of the car and pushed it down to close it.

"do you live close?"

"well," seonghwa started to answer, making sure his fingers were out of the way before he completely slammed the trunk down. "not too far, but it's not exactly super close either.... you?"

"you could say i live very close," the other answered. "hey do you wanna go on a little walk? it's really nice out."

seonghwa hesitated for a moment, looking back at his car and then to the man in front of him. he really didn't know this person at all, and he seemed very nice and kind hearted. the man looked like an oversized teddy bear, one that had blue hair, at best and probably wouldn't hurt a fly. but that's what everyone says right before they're kidnapped and killed.

the man must've seen the internal conflict in his eyes, his expression softening slightly, "it's okay if you can't, i'm sure you're booked all the time for projects."

"not exactly," he mumbled, but he couldn't lie that the compliment (or at least that's how he took it) made his heart skip a beat. "i'm not really all that busy."

the man's expression lifted significantly, and seonghwa could've swore his hair also grew in volume.

"so you can?"

"yeah, why not?"

the man smiled so widely, bouncing up and down in place a little bit. he reached his hand out for seonghwa to take, to which the other hesitantly placed his larger hand in the smaller's palm.

"i have the prefect place, it's got the prettiest white lilies."


	2. yellow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy <3
> 
> I am also just now realizing that the spacing is weird... sorry about that :"))

the man had taken seonghwa to a small garden behind the hospital. he hadn't been lying, there was a small fountain in the middle that was surrounded by white lilies and some other assortment of flowers. the other flowers were beautiful, don't get him wrong, but it was the complete reflection of color from the lilies that caught his attention the most.

after all four years of working here, not once had he ever seen this garden. in his defense, he never really ventured outside of the pediatric unit, and if he did, it was just do talk to mingi and jongho who were doctors at the hospital. he didn't know the two of them all that well, but he did know that they were hyejin's doctors and he would occasionally talk to them about her condition and even some of the other children he was really close to.

they were also great friends to yunho and yeosang, and they would often like to include him in their late afternoon ten minute coffee break conversations. the two of them were good people, and seonghwa knew they were brilliant and tried their hardest to help each child that came to the hospital.

the man led seonghwa around the little fountain and squatted down to look at and admire the while lilies.

"a lot of people don't know this is here," he said, bending the stem of one of the flowers between his fingers.

seonghwa looked around them, the location was rather closed off and surrounded on nearly all sides by the hospitals walls. there was only one tiny little dirt trail that led them to this hidden garden and it wasn't even that easy to find from the main sidewalk. if the man hadn't been leading him, seognhwa wouldn't have even seen it.

"well it's kinda hidden," he answered, tilting his head downwards to watch him.

"yeah, i prefer it that way," he chuckled, snapping off the petals and standing back up. "i found this place by mistake at some ungodly hour one night."

seonghwa pursed his lips at the blue haired man's actions, his eyes watching as the white petals fell onto the freshly watered soil.

"why were you out that late?"

"it's nice to clear your head at weird hours, you know?" he tilted his head, his own attention turning to where seonghwa was looking. "it hits different being in a secret place."

"just sounds like you were trying to be the main character in a drama."

"who says i'm not?" the man turned back to him with a half smile on his lips, his eyes shimmering just a little.

seonghwa nodded his head, putting his hands up in agreement. he turned around and slowly walked over to the single bench that was placed in the middle of a flower bed. it had a lovely red stain to it, though it seemed that no one had tended to it in a few years, so some areas had peeled off. he sat down carefully and for a moment there was a fear in the back of his mind that maybe the wood was rotten and it would break as soon as he sat down. but he sighed softly after holding in a breath because thankfully that didn't happen, the wood was strong and didn't even creak.

"so painting?"

the man had sat down on the brick wall that surrounded the little fountain. he had one leg crossed over the other with his chin in his palm, leaning over slightly. he looked smaller this way, and his blue hair was nearly covering his eyes completely, and seonghwa wondered for a moment if the man could even see anything.

"yeah, you could say it's something i like to do."

"it kinda seems like something more to you than just a little old hobby."

"you trying to interrogate me?" seonghwa asked, it was a rather light hearted question, his eyebrows raising up. "part of a secret fbi unit? you're gonna have to show me your badge before i answer anything personal."

the man laughed lightly, his hair bouncing just a little as his body shook and seonghwa decided he rather liked the sound of his little laugh.

"i have a badge but it's nothing as grand as someone from an fbi unit."

"that's too bad."

"you just seemed like an interestingly awkward person," he continued. " i wanted to get to know you."

seonghwa wasn't entirely sure whether or not to take that as a compliment and was taken aback by the man's statement. "awkward?"

"well of course i mean that in the nicest way."

"awkward doesn't usually have a good connotation."

"well," the man drew a hand through his hair, his soft smile never leaving his lips. "to me, the words weird or awkward don't have a bad connotation. to me, they just mean different but in an interesting way."

seonghwa tilted his head to the side, scrunching his eyebrows together just a little. "that sure is a different way to think about it."

"i've been thinking about a lot of things differently lately, it's refreshing. i like to take words like those that are used in ways that bring people down, and turn them into words that help build someone up instead."

"so me being awkward is a good thing?"

"yes," the smaller nodded, his smile growing slightly wider. "i mean you were really only awkward when you first walked in today and then when i came to talk to you. but as soon as you started painting, it was like you were at home with yourself. that's why i assumed painting meant something more to you than just being a hobby."

"you could say that," seonghwa crossed his own leg over his other, the anxious feeling returning to his body. he wanted to get up to pace around or fiddle with his hands, but he keep his arms firmly crossed across his chest so he couldn't do it subconsciously.

"did you major in painting?"

"yeah i got my degree in fine arts, was lucky enough a company picked me up a few months out of university. that's how i found myself volunteering here."

"i admire your bravery for majoring in something like that."

seonghwa frowned at that, his expression falling off his face. he knew what would come after that sentence. as much as seonghwa loved his job, he absolutely hated talking about it because at some point in the conversation the other person would tell him that his major was pointless.

the man must've noticed the change in seonghwa's mood because his smile also fell and a confused expression made it's way to his face. he sat up straight, uncrossing his legs to be in a more formal and serious position.

"what's wrong? did i say something bad?"

"you think it's dumb too."

the man looked even more confused, tilting his head to the side. "what? why would i think that?"

"everyone thinks that when i tell them that i graduated with a degree in fine arts."

"well i don't," there was a small pout on his lips, his bottom lip jutting out just slightly. "i think art is absolutely beautiful. as a semi artist myself, i understand what it's like to have people look down on you for doing something that's not exactly conventional."

seonghwa might've been a little shocked, his eyebrows raising up just a little. "you're an artist?"

"semi artist," the man corrected, his eyes twinkling. "i write lyrics."

"that's amazing," seonghwa smiled, leaning forward as he placed his palms on his knees. "i admire people who can write music."

"well i haven't been able to put notes and sounds to the lyrics yet, so i can't say that i make music. maybe i should just say i'm a writer."

"either way, it's very impressive. i admire people who can write lyrics or stories."

the man smiled very genuinely, his white teeth making a slight appearance. "thank you, it's nice to be appreciated, especially for something that you're told is useless but it's what you love."

"tell me about it, i know exactly what you mean."

the blue haired man chuckled again, standing up and smoothing over his pants that had creased up from his sitting position. he walked over to seonghwa, outstretching his hand toward the taller. "i don't know about you, but it's hot. want to go for a slushie?"

it was then that the hotness of the weather finally registered with seonghwa. the sun was high in the sky and was burning down on the two of them, and seonghwa hadn't realized it until then that he was nearly sweating through his shirt.

seonghwa grabbed the man's hand, finding it oddly cute just how the man's hand was quite a bit smaller than his own. he noticed that the man also had one of this finger nails painted black. the man pulled him to his feet, stronger than he let on to be.

"i guess it wouldn't hurt," seonghwa answered, feeling bad about how sweaty his hand was. "but i don't have a lot of time before i have somewhere to be."

"that's fine, there is somewhere close," the man told him, grabbing onto seonghwa's painted shirt and pulled him away from the beautiful white lilies.

the entire time, seonghwa walked behind the shorter man and couldn't help but stare at his hair. he wasn't sure why he found his colored hair so interesting, he himself had even colored his hair before and even both of his friends, san and wooyoung, had colored hair. san even had the brightest pink hair, and so this man's soft blue hair shouldn't have been so interesting to him. but he couldn't help it when his hair bounced with each step, the slight wave adding even more volume.

the man led him down the street, only maybe four blocks to the nearest convenience store on the edge of the major intersection. when they had first stepped into the store, the air conditioning greeted them, and it was then that seonghwa really did fully feunderstand just how hot and humid it was outside. seonghwa wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, the thought of just how bad he needed to shower when he got home was very much present in his mind.

the man grabbed onto the hem of seonghwa's shirt, pulling him between the isles of the store. when they made it to the back to where the slushie machine was, the man grabbed a cup and handed it to seonghwa before grabbing one himself.

he looked over the flavors for a brief moment, before reaching towards the lemon flavor to fill up his cup.

"you like the lemon flavor?" seonghwa asked, a little in disbelief.

"yeah?" the man answered, turning to look at seonghwa until his cup was nearly filled to the top.

"not once in my life have i ever seen someone who likes the lemon flavor."

"you're not hating on the things i like, are you?" he whined, pulling his full cup away and grabbing a plastic lid to cover the top.

"i might just be judging you for your life choices... just a little."

"how rude. what flavor do you like mr. perfect?"

"cherry cola."

"basic as fuck."

"basic, but it's literally a gift from heaven," seonghwa gasped, moving to fill his cup up with the mentioned flavor.

"my favorite color is yellow," the man said randomly, before nearly screeching when seonghwa almost overfilled the cup. his hands came to shut off the lever, grabbing nearly a handful of napkins in the holder to the side of the machine.

"chill, i'm not gonna spill it," the taller reassured them, pushing the smaller's hands away.

"it's spilling over the side right now."

"no it's not."

after they managed to clean up, the two went to the cashier to pay for their slushies. seonghwa nearly forgot a straw when they walked out of the store, having to dash back in to grab one and tried to shove the deep blush of embarrassment off of his face. the man just smiled at him, sipping on his very yellow slushie and hummed pleasantly at what seonghwa assumed was the taste.

the two walked back to the hospital, the coolness of the drinks helped get them through the heat of the sun. the cars running by them on the road were too loud and so the two of them just walked side by side in silence until they got back to the parking garage where seonghwa had left his car. the taller man had already finished his drink by the time they had gotten back, now trying to use his straw to slurp at the ice that was stuck in the bottom.

the man was the first one to find seonghwa's car first, which was surprising because it was about as basic of a model that came from the car dealership. but he watched the man almost bounce towards his car, taking a small sip from his cup. it was then that seonghwa noticed that the man had barely drank anything from his slushie.

"not as good as you thought it would be is it?" seonghwa teased, eyeing the nearly full cup in the man's hand.

"ah," he started, looking down at his cup and swirled the melting ice and liquid around with his straw. "it's not like that."

"sure," he laughed softly, throwing his empty cup into a nearby trashcan.

"well thank you for coming with me," the man started, his eyes smiling more than his lips were. "i know it was really random and going out with a stranger is probably something you don't do very often."

"no i don't, in fact i really try to avoid people i don't know," seonghwa admitted, chuckling just a little at the whole situation. "but i had fun."

"me too, it's been forever since i've been able to do something like this."

"that's a shame. you seem like you thrive on finding random people and making them grab slushies with you."

"you'd definitely think that wouldn't you," the man laughed softly, bowing his head in slight embarrassment.

"or maybe it was just my awkward personality that called you to me."

"that statement was more real than you think."

seonghwa smiled again, even though he still wasn't exactly sure how he felt about the whole idea of awkward being used in a nicer connotation. he was just so used to being called weird or awkward in a way that was meant to hurt him, that it felt wrong to think otherwise.

"well i won't keep you any longer, i know you probably have more work to go and do," the man spoke up after a little bit, taking another tiny sip from the drink.

"unfortunately," seonghwa replied, he didn't really want to leave this time. he oddly really enjoyed the other man's company, even though he had only met him maybe two hours prior. he just seemed to have this drawing sense to him, like he had the other half of the magnet that completed the one seonghwa had.

he was pretty too, but in a very interesting way. he still couldn't understand why the blue hair color was something he couldn't take his eyes off of. but with the sun just beginning it's decent in the sky, the softening glow that made it's way into the parking garage, it hit the man's hair in just the right way that lit it up.

seonghwa decided that he wanted to paint the man.

"we'll maybe i'll see you around, seonghwa," the man said, waving his hand softly then saluting to him. he then made a move to leave seonghwa to go where he needed to, but seemed to chuckle a little when he saw seonghwa pout a tiny bit. "chin up, chin up. everyone loves a happy face."

"was that a quote from the book you were reading?"

the man quirked his eyebrow up, his hand that was holding the book stretched out and displayed the cover while nodding his head. "i might like you even more now."

seonghwa felt himself bubble inside, it really wasn't every day that he had great experiences with strangers and it was even less likely that he would make a friend. but today seemed to be very out of the ordinary, he had managed to make a friend, but whether the man in front of him thought the same was not the point.

seonghwa considered this a win for his shy and anxious self.

"i would hope so," he added, a slight tilt to his head. "will i see you again?"

"i'm not sure," the man answered, shaking his head around in a way that made his blue hair fly all over. "only time can tell with me."

seonghwa just nodded, deciding that it was best to not say anything else that could make this conversation turn awkward. he wanted to be able to go home and not have to relive any horrors of being awkward today. so he just raised his hand, and waved gently to the man.

the man smiled widely at him again, waving his own hand before turning on his heel to walk out of the parking garage, heading back in the direction of the hospital. but it was right before seonghwa pulled out his keys from his pocket to unlock the door, that he realized he never even asked what the man's name was.

"hey!" seonghwa yelled, the sound echoing through the concrete walls. it made the man jump, he was already pretty far down the isle, but he turned around quickly, nearly dropping his book. "what's your name?"

"so are you the fbi now?" the man yelled back, there was a hint of sarcasm laced in his voice.

"i will literally call you blueberry if you don't tell me your name!"

"ew no," the man cringed, his whole body shaking in disgust. "i hate blueberries!"

"blue then!"

the man just shrugged, a playful smile on his lips as he quickly turned around again and walked out of the garage, and made his way into the street to cross to the other side.

seonghwa watched him until the man disappeared from his sight. he wasn't sure why the man refused to tell him his name, maybe he decided that seonghwa wasn't the good type of weird and wanted nothing more to do with him so he didn't bother to tell him his real name. that made seonghwa's heart drop a little, and he wished that it wasn't the case because he personally would really like to see the tiny man with blue hair again.

and it occurred to him as seonghwa had gotten into his car and fastened his seatbelt in, that usually he has a very sensitive eye for bright colors. he can notice them from all directions and they always catch his eye.

but for some reason, it was after the fact that he seemed to notice that the huge oversized sweater that the man was wearing, was an overly bright color yellow, that normally would've hurt his eyes. 

but this time, he found himself rather attracted to the color yellow, instead of repelled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think blueberry is a cute nickname honestly


	3. gray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back... this week has been absolute hell.
> 
> I know my fellow students out there are really struggling too :")...
> 
> anyways enjoy, I made this chapter extra long to help and develop their relationship a little more <3

even though the man with the blue hair said that he didn't want to be called blueberry, seonghwa couldn't help but let the name slip through his lips on multiple occasions. 

if he was also being honest, he had expected to wake up the next morning and find that this rather mysterious man had been a dream. which wouldn't be too weird of an experience for him, he had his own fair share of hallucinations when he was back in university when he had to pull many all nighters to get his final exams done. while his hallucinations weren't exactly of a very aesthetically pleasing man that had fluffy blue hair, he decided he couldn't rule out that possibility. 

when he had come back in the next day to finish up the final touches of paint on the hospital walls, he poked his head through the dorm frame to try and see if the man was there. but none of the children were out of their rooms and the small waiting area next to the nurses' station was vacant. 

seonghwa wasn't entirely sure why he felt his heart drop just a little. he wanted to blame it on the fact of his lack of real friends in life, but he often complained that wooyoung and san drained his social battery for months on end when they all hung out. the two boyfriends were more than enough for him and he never really felt the urge to go out and find more people. even though he had yeosang and yunho, occasionally mingi and jongho to talk to, he was more than satisfied.

he wasn't really that social of a person. 

so it really was the first time that he felt upset at the idea that the other might not have even existed. seonghwa was even too embarrassed to ask yeosang who currently had hyejin in his arms, if he had seen the man himself. she was holding onto the paper that seonghwa had painted her favorite nemo character on in her hand while she used her other one to cling onto yeosang's hair.

she looked tired today, her cheek was rested against his shoulder as he rocked her back and forth just above her bed. seonghwa knew enough to know that right after her major treatments, she would have bad nightmares for at least a week after, so sleeping was always a hard obstacle. yeosang was very gentle, humming very softly as he held her. he was always super good with the kids, always having at least one or two in his arms at a time.

seonghwa watched them as he continued to paint, sliding his headphones over his ears to help block out the other noises that ran through the hospital as he finished his paintings.

over the next few days, seonghwa made rather random appearances to the hospital, with the reason that he needed to keep touching up some certain spots. yunho didn't really think much of it, he knew of seonghwa's perfectionism issues and how he needed them to be absolutely perfect before he could leave them alone. but each time he came, he found himself wanting to see a certain blue haired man sitting on the chair, reading that interesting choice of a book to the children, instead of coming with the intentions to fix his paint jobs.

but over the course of the next week, he never saw him sitting there, and seonghwa really started to think that he had created the whole man up in his imagination.

but luckily it wasn't until seonghwa decided to take a small little trip to the secret garden, that he also half expected to not even exist ... but it did much to his surprise, that he saw a very certain man. the man was seated on the bench that seonghwa had sat on the last time he was there. he had one of his legs crossed over the other with the same book in one of his hands. his hair was pushed back this time, gelled thickly to the sides and seonghwa noticed that even his eyebrows were a slight shade of blue too.

the man was deeply invested with the book, occasionally flipping the next page after he licked his thumb. seonghwa did feel kinda weird watching him, almost like he was stalking him. he probably watched him for ten minutes easily, waiting for him to disappear with the slight breeze. 

"hey blueberry," he found himself speaking before he had even prepared too, his body walking towards the man without his permission.

the man jumped, snapping his head upwards at the sudden sound. he let out a loud sigh, placing his hand over his heart and slumping backwards in the bench. 

"jesus, gave me a heart attack," he breathed out, closing his eyes with a rather lopsided smile on his lips.

"sorry," seonghwa muttered, stopping right in front of the man. he looked down at the open book that laid peacefully on his lap. "same book?"

the man opened his eyes, tilting his head down and bringing the book up to his chest to show seonghwa the cover of it. "you already know it."

"haven't you read that book too many times already?"

"i've read it ninety eight times," the man smiled, "i want to get to one hundred."

"that's... an interesting goal."

"everyone has them."

seonghwa chuckled a little bit, deciding to sit next to the man on the bench. "i'm surprised you haven't gotten tired of it yet."

"it's my favorite book, it's helped me with so many things."

"like what?"

"charlotte's web is like my comfort story," the man closed the book and ran his hand over the brown leather. he had rings decorating each of his fingers, even two on his middle fingers, different colored stones on each one. "a story of how to deal with death and losing someone close to you, even how to accept death of yourself."

"i thought you were gonna say that you liked it because of the cute pig," seonghwa couldn't help but laugh awkwardly, "but that took a dark turn."

the man laughed wholeheartedly, "you don't do well with death do you seonghwa?"

"if i'm being honest, not really."

"that's alright," the man's expression soften significantly, turning himself towards seonghwa. "a lot of people don't. it's something you have to experience a lot of to become comfortable with."

"have you?" seonghwa asked.

"this is a lovely first conversation of the day to have with someone," he chuckled, little wrinkles forming around his eyes. 

"you brought it up first so i thought-- i'm sorry-" seonghwa picnicked a little, waving both of his hands in front of him.

"i'm just messing with you," he laughed again, his whole body shaking with him as he did. "but yeah, you could say that i have."

"i'm sorry to hear that," seonghwa answered. he couldn't help the awkward feeling coming back to him, he could feel the tense air constricting around them for the moment. seonghwa fiddled with his fingers again, pulling at the dead skin around his nails in an attempt to distract himself from the awkwardness.

"no need to be," the man lightly smacked his shoulder playfully. "it's a life cycle yeah? have you ever watched lion king? circle of life?"

"lion kind traumatized me."

"what about bambi-"

"i still can't watch bambi again to this day."

"damn."

seonghwa sighed, mildly embarrassed that he couldn't even watch those kind of movies even in his adulthood. he was more sensitive than most men his age, wooyoung and san would take too much pleasure in his pain whenever they watched a sad movie together over the weekends. it seemed he was more hurt over cartoons than actual human deaths when they watched something from hollywood. the only exception was if a dog or an animal died in a movie, then he wouldn't recover from that for nearly an entire week.

the man's voice took seonghwa out of his head, he had opened his book again and seemed to be reading from the page, "...how can something be less than nothing? if there were something that was less than nothing, then nothing would not be nothing, it would be something - even though it’s just a very little bit of something. but if nothing is nothing, then nothing has nothing that is less than it is.”

"you just gave me a stroke," seonghwa deadpanned, his brain not even being able to catch up to anything the man had just said. 

"it's my second favorite quote from the book," the man sat back some more and closed the book, setting it down on the bench next to him. "i probably spent months trying to work it out."

seonghwa just looked at him, blinking a few times before a small, little smile came to his lips, "you definitely are weird."

the man smiled at him, tilting his head to the right side, "that i am, very proud to be too."

seonghwa continued to see the man more often after that. it seemed that whenever he came into the hospital, which began to be more frequent than not, the man was either reading to the children or found him reading by himself in the garden. he stopped trying to find out his name after awhile, the name 'blueberry' seemed to fit him way too well.

the man himself was a giant mystery to seonghwa. he didn't know anything about him besides that he absolutely loved to read the same old book over and over. he would disappear randomly and then appear when seonghwa was never ready for him.

he would smile and wave at seonghwa whenever he saw him in the hallway of the hospital. he really tried not to bother the painter while he worked, not that seonghwa would've minded at all. he really seemed to enjoy the man with the blue hair's company. 

they would often go and get slushies together, it was the dead of summer and the heat was very cruel to them all the time. the man always got the same yellow slushie, and never really drank much of it and seonghwa never really understand why, but he didn't say anything about it. 

he found himself more at the hospital or in the nearby parks than he did at the safety of his own apartment. the man would take him to places that he didn't even know existed, and would read parts of the story to seonghwa. 

when they were at the hospital, he would catch yeosang staring at him a few times out of the corner of his eye. but any time he made full eye contact, the other would look away and continue on with his nursely duties for the day. seonghwa would even let the man try and paint with him a little. he seemed to have so much energy all the time, needing to be up on his feet or doing something with his hands. so seonghwa would grab a piece of paper from his sketchbook and let the man mix some paints to paint on it. 

it was safe to say the man didn't have much conventional artistic ability, but to seonghwa, he loved each and every one of his rather ... abstract pieces of artwork.

a few times seonghwa would just sit and listen to the man read, he would have hyejin in his lap and would laugh whenever she became very animated. she seemed to enjoy the story more than he thought she would. seonghwa would make eye contact with the man a few times, and they would exchange some simple smiles before the man would continue on, catering to the children's desires.

they had a very simple friendship, seeing each other a few times a week for the next four months. sometimes it would be less than that, especially when seonghwa had gotten a giant project offer to go paint something in the capital, and it was then that he wasn't able to see or visit the hospital for a while. but as soon as he was able to come back, the man with the blue hair was waiting for him.

his hair had faded over the months, going from a bright blue to something that was more pastel, but seonghwa still loved it. 

"hey blueberry," he said, a big smile on his face when he came up to greet the other who was standing at the door of the hospital.

"hey seonghwa," he said softly, but there was a look on his face that seonghwa had never seen before and it was incredible unsettling. 

seonghwa's smile dropped slightly, sensing a rather off set of vibes from the other. he hesitated for a moment, not sure if he should come any closer.

"is something wrong?"

the man sighed, grabbing onto seonghwa's wrist and pulling him off to go to the secret garden in the back of the hospital. each step they got closer, seonghwa felt an even stronger unsettling feeling settle in his stomach. his hands started to get sweaty with how tight the man's grip on his wrist was. when they finally got to the small fountain, the white lilies were wilting a little from the heat, the man finally let go of his wrist and sighed again.

"what's going on?" he asked, folding his arms over his chest.

the man looked at him, running his hand through his hair. "this isn't what i wanted to tell you when you first got back, i was hoping for something more light hearted."

"you're scaring me..." seonghwa whispered, shivering from the chill of the wind.

"it's about hyejin," he started, and for a moment his gaze seemed elsewhere.

seonghwa felt his stomach drop more, almost beginning to feel nauseous. he sat down on the bench, hands placed on his knees as he looked up at the man.

"did she-"

"no," the man was quite to say, "she's okay for now, but her condition has gotten really bad over the past few weeks."

seonghwa swallowed thickly, his heart already thumping against his chest.

"the treatment here is not working for her. her body is too small and weak to handle the stronger medication, they can't do anything more for her here."

seonghwa was silent, his lips were pressed together in a fine line. the man couldn't read him very well, seonghwa's face was completely void of emotions for a few moments.

"seonghwa..."

"it's okay..." he said immediately, turning his body away from the man, "i knew it would happen at some point."

"but i know she is someone important to you."

"she is..." he cleared his throat, almost angry at himself for how he was getting so choked up, "the first person that i really connected to here."

"funny how children always manage to claim our hearts," he said softly as he sat next to seonghwa on the bench, gingerly placing his hand on the taller's shoulder.

seonghwa just nodded his head, coughing awkwardly, his body remaining ridged, "when is she leaving?"

"this weekend, but we can't see her until friday... she's not doing well."

seonghwa bit the inside of his cheek, inhaling a deep breath sharply. 

"do you want to go and say good bye to her on saturday?"

"no."

the man looked surprised, his eyebrows raising up in a concerned way. 

"i just," seonghwa sighed, tilting his head downwards as he felt his chest grow constricted. "i can't see her suffering like that. i don't want that to be my last memory of her."

the man was silent for a moment, the wind was starting to howl through the area. seonghwa could nearly hear the judgment coming from the other and he desperately wanted to scoot away from his grasp, the urge to run away became greater and greater with each passing moment.

"i have an idea," he said suddenly, his expression unreadable, but there seemed to be no hints of disappointment in his voice. 

seonghwa hummed, not even bothering to look up from his current spot. 

"i need to re-dye my hair, i can't do it at my place so take me to yours," he said softly, his hand gently running down the taller's back. "i want to show you something."

"what?" seonghwa asked, finally turning to look at the man, trying to catch up with the curveball the man threw at him randomly. "why can't you do it at yours?" 

"doesn't matter."

seonghwa closed his mouth, an audible click of his teeth was heard. he squared his jaw, nearly grinding his teeth together as he looked at the other man for a second.

"are you serious?"

"why would i lie to you seonghwa?"

seonghwa looked at him for a moment more, before grabbing the man's wrist and dragging him out of the garden. it was the first time that the man didn't have the book nestled under his arm or in his hand, and it just felt wrong to seonghwa. but he still pulled him, mindful of his tight grip on the other's pale arm, towards his car that was parked in the same exact parking spot last time.

seonghwa liked to pride himself over how clean his apartment always was. he deep cleaned to help relieve his stress on most days, and then made sure to have a cleaning schedule on the weekends. but it just so happened, that today was the one day in his life that his apartment, mainly just his living room thankfully, was not clean.

this was the first day he had been back from his last project, and he had just jumped all his tools and things in his living room before speeding off to the hospital. so when he had opened the door to his apartment and was reminded of the state that it was in, he cringed and nearly had half the mind to send the man somewhere else.

but the man didn't seem to really care about the over all clutter. he took his shoes off by the door and set the backpack he had slung over his shoulder down on the ground next to them. he pulled off his light jacket, only a super plain black tshirt was underneath. the man stretched his arms, looking around seonghwa's apartment in a way that seemed to have the taller man's skin crawling. 

"sorry about the mess," he apologized quickly, taking off his own shoes and turning on the lamp that illumined the room softly. 

"you call this a mess?" the man asked, chuckling lightly.

"for me it is," seonghwa muttered, hanging both of their jackets up on the coatrack he had.

"i like it," the man smiled, bending down and picking one of the clean paintbrushes from the bucket that was full of them on the floor. "must've been a big project."

"it was, they wanted me and a few other people to paint the enter ceiling of this one building. very beautiful designs i will say."

"you should show me sometime," the man answered, dropping the brush back down in the bucket. "i just know it's beautiful."

"how do you know that?"

"everything you paint is ethereal in its own way."

seonghwa just chuckled, shaking his head a little. he couldn't deny the warm feeling he felt in his chest, perhaps a soft blush made its way to his cheeks. he didn't say anything else, grabbing onto the bag that the man had brought in and grabbed a few towels and brought them to the bathroom, looking over his shoulder as he beckoned the smaller away from the mess. 

"c'mon blueberry," he joked, the first smile on his face for that night. "let's touch up your hair."

it took them a little while to set up. seonghwa had brought in a chair from the living room for the man to sit on in the bathroom and had managed to tie a towel around his neck so the dye wouldn't get onto his clothes.

"i wore a black shirt for a reason."

"still, it doesn't hurt."

the man had just rolled his eyes playfully, huffing out thickly that had the little strands of hair that covered his eyes flying up with the burst of air. 

"i know you know how to dye hair," the man said, turning his body towards seonghwa who was standing in the doorway, keeping a watchful eye on the man. 

"i do," he answered, nodding his head. "i dye my own hair."

"then can you help me?"

"this was your plan wasn't it? make me take you to my place and then make me do your hair for you?"

"well if you put it that way..." the man huffed again, the expression on his face looking borderline guilty even though seonghwa knew he was anything but.

"oh hush you little blueberry," seonghwa walked forward, shoving his fingers through the man's blueish hair to assess the situation at hand. "you need to bleach the roots first."

"then bleach my roots, i've got everything in the bag."

and indeed he had everything in his bag, and it didn't take seonghwa long to mix up enough bleach to cover the man's entire roots. he made sure to be extremely thorough, he didn't want to miss a single spot that would throw the whole look off. 

"you need to tell me if your scalp starts burning too much," he said after easily thirty minutes of painting the thick liquid onto his head. "a little is expected, but i don't want you to get chemical burns."

the man just nodded, and he looked rather funny with his hair sticking up like it was. seonghwa offered to wrap plastic around his head if the man wanted to get up and walk around, but he shook his head and denied the request. 

"you know," seonghwa started, sitting down on the closed toilet seat and admired his work from afar. "blue is a very interesting color."

"well you only live once," the man answered, "and life is short, especially for some people."

"that's true, even though it seems some days never end."

"cherish those days," he smiled, and it seemed that his eyes were again drifting off somewhere else then instead of in the present moment. 

"so what else did you want to show me?"

"oh, more like, tell you something," the man shook his head, bringing himself back to the present moment, before clearing his throat and sitting up straight, "after all, what’s a life, anyway? we’re born, we live a little while, we die.”

seonghwa blinked a few times, rather confused by the rather abrupt topic, "what?"

"in charolette's web, charlotte says those exact words, and that quote is my favorite one of the entire story."

the man watched seonghwa carefully, gauging his reaction and his body language. when he was sure the taller wasn't going to say anything to him back, he continued, "i told you the reason why i love that book so much. while yes, the friendship between the pig and spider is a very valuable lesson, the story also teaches you how to deal with the death of another."

seonghwa shifted awkwardly, putting his hands under his thighs and sitting on them so he wouldn't be tempted to start pulling at the skin around his nails again. 

"..although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart... this is another quote that i love dearly. each person is so unique in their own way, and when they go, there is no one on the earth that can replace them the exact way that we need them to."

"why are you telling me this?"

"because," the man said, his eyes and face had a very soft expression on it. "i want you to know it's okay to miss someone terribly."

seonghwa stared at him, furrowing his eyebrows as he tried to understand what the man was telling him.

"people are scared of death for multiple reasons, but one main reason is that they are scared that they will never find someone to fill that void for them," the words seem to fall too easily out of his mouth, almost like they were rehearsed. "and i'm telling you that it is okay to feel that way. death is scary, for anyone. it's a huge philosophical thing, one moment you exist in time and then the next you are gone for all of eternity."

"if you are trying to-"

"listen to me. i want you to learn from my mistakes," the man spoke carefully, his voice very soft. "if you do not say good bye to that little girl, you will regret it for the rest of your life."

seonghwa seemed to stop breathing, his heart had jumped to his throat and now he could barely swallow. 

"seeing people in pain like that, especially children, ones that are supposed to grow up and live a long and happy life... ones that are supposed to travel the world and do something amazing with the life that was granted to them... to see them in pain and no hope in their eyes, is heartbreaking."

"i-" seonghwa started, his voice nearly cracking.

"it's hard to watch, trust me i know better than anyone," the man continued, "but if you do not take the opportunity to see her again, then it will eat you up for the rest of your life."

"but i don't want that to be the last memory that i have of her."

"she loves you seonghwa, and i know she would want to see you again before she goes."

that sentence seemed to have a double meaning, and it was choking seonghwa up more than he cared to admit it. he knew deep down that the man was right, that he needed to go see his little friend one last time, but he couldn't bare the thought of doing it.

"it's okay to be scared, or to admit it."

seonghwa just sat there for a little while more, the throbbing in his throat didn't leave in the time that he wanted it to. he felt like he was suffocating and had no immediate source of oxygen. 

"people are scared of things they don't understand, death is not something you can understand."

seonghwa shushed the man after that, standing up immediately and desperately trying to find something else to do before he broke apart anymore. his head was a scary place when he was silent for too long, especially with the current topic. he stood behind the man and poked around his hair and deemed it bleached enough for what they were working with.

"you need to rinse now."

he tried to avoid the man's gaze, but he could see it through the mirror and could nearly feel holes being burned into him. 

after they had gotten all of the bleach out of his hair, it was much easier to apply the blue dye. seonghwa really did try his best to not make a mess of the entire bathroom, but nearly an hour later, it seemed that there was more blue everywhere than the original bathroom color. 

"did you want your eyebrows done too?"

"yes please," the man answered, wiggling them a little. 

seonghwa used a q-tip to apply the rest of the dye from the mixing bowl onto the man's very well shaped eyebrows. 

"just sit there for like thirty minutes and you'll be done."

"thank you seonghwa," the man turned to face him better, "i really mean it."

"no need to thank me, i enjoyed doing it."

the man chuckled, turning back to look at his reflection in the mirror, "this is literally the best application i've ever had. what else should i expect from the world's best painter?"

"oh well i wouldn't say that," seonghwa rubbed the back of his head, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other.

"don't be so modest, you can boast a little," the man smacked his arm playfully. 

seonghwa smiled softly, the small blush making its way back to his cheeks as he turned his face down to the floor. 

"you're cute when you blush," the man said, looking at seonghwa through the mirror.

"shut up," he shot back, his heart decided to skip a beat from the simple and silly little comment. it was his only form of defense, he could barely accept compliments, and compliments from pretty people always made him more nervous. 

it was silent for the rest of the time it took for the dye to settle into the man's hair and it seemed like no time before seonghwa helped him wash it all out. he prayed that the blue water wouldn't stain his tube, but if it did, that was something he could tackle later. sometimes seonghwa would like to think that he could've also been a hair dresser if the whole painting thing didn't work out. 

he was very handy with his own hair, and after drying the man's now very bright blue hair, he was sure that he could do better than half the people in the previous saloons he had gone to. 

"so why all the gray?" the man asked while seognhwa had occupied himself with styling the blue hair. 

"what do you mean?"

"your entire apartment is gray, and even your hair."

"well, just like your favorite color is that blinding yellow, mine is gray."

"a little dark don't you think?"

"it's a darker color yes," seonghwa started, brushing through the man's hair and doing his best to add some volume to the flatter areas. "but it's just like dark blue. it's cool and it's calming. it doesn't hurt your eyes when you look at it. it doesn't force you to feel happy when you're not."

"now look at who is being philosophical."

"i have the power to fuck your hair up," seonghwa warned, flashing a glare to the man in the mirror who just laughed at him, "choose your words wisely."

"easy, easy," the man joked, the crinkles around his eyes made another appearance. "i saw the paintings in your living room, the super big ones."

seonghwa stiffened a little, but he tried his best to play it off. he really didn't like anyone seeing those ones. the only people who had seen them were wooyoung and san and that was only by accident and now seonghwa just leaves them out because those were the only two that ever came over.

that alone reminded him that the three of them were supposed to hang out tonight, so in a mild fit of a panic, he grabbed his phone from his pocket to shoot the two of them a text in their group chat that he couldn't come tonight because he had someone else over. 

"those were some of my final projects back in university."

"they're beautiful," the man whispered, his eyes were closed now and he looked very relaxed with the way seonghwa was playing with his hair. "dark and mysterious, but very beautiful."

"i like to paint with dark colors, i love catching things in their darkest moments. for some reason i feel that's when they are most beautiful."

the man opened his eyes, but he didn't make a move to turn to seonghwa's gaze again. he seemed to be far off once again, his eyes almost looked glazed over.

"nature is beautiful right before the sun comes up, whenever thing is still cold and dewy. all those paintings are from a location around here too."

"you should take me to each of those locations, especially the beach one."

seonghwa smiled, finally setting down the comb he had in his hand on the table and stepping back to admire his work. 

"i'd be more than happy to do that."

the two of them tried their best to clean up the bathroom. luckily the tube did not stain, and it washed away pretty quickly with just a little extra scrubbing. once the bathroom was deemed clean enough, seonghwa offered the man some tea, which he did accept. 

the man insisted that seonghwa explained his many paintings to him, starting with the dark forest one. the man watched seonghwa eagerly, nodding along with how the painter explained the little details he added into each of his paintings. to the average person, if they looked at his paintings, they would just see a beautiful and dark piece of scenery, but the man knew there was more behind it than just a replica of the earth's beauty.

even if seonghwa didn't know it himself, there was more to his paintings that met the blind eye. 

after they had finished their tea and even a few little pastries that seonghwa had left over from when wooyoung brought them last time they hung out, he took both of their of their cups and plates to wash. the man sat at the table and watched him, humming a little tune absentmindedly. 

"is that from a song you're making?" seonghwa asked, draining the hot water from the sink.

"something like that," the man smiled, his white teeth shining in the soft light. 

seonghwa put the cups and the plates away, wiping down the counter with a wet rag and them following it up with a dry one. he looked over at the clock and nearly cringed at the time, it was nearly one thirty in the morning. the man seemed to follow his gaze, his own eyes widening at the time.

"oh shit," he covered his mouth, looking back over to seonghwa who was still in a state of shock. 

where had the time gone? it was only seven when they had gotten to his apartment. 

"i didn't mean to keep you this late, i promise," he immediately apologized, bowing his head and shoulders down to the man that was still seated high up at the table.

"oh hush it," he nearly threw a nearby fork at seonghwa, instead deciding that his sock would be a good substitute. "i'm always up at this hour anyways."

seonghwa shrieked a little as the sock hit him, bending down and throwing it back aggressively. 

"well i mean you can stay the night if you want to, or i can drive you back to wherever you stay."

"oh, there's no need to do that," the man put his hands up quickly, almost like he was trying to erase that idea from seonghwa's mind. "i can just crash here with you if that's alright."

"no of course, that's more than alright."

"i can take the couch-"

"i mean, we can share the bed, i don't mind," seonghwa started subconsciously, but immediately slapped a hand over his mouth. "i mean if you're uncomfortable with that then i'll take the couch. you're the guest here so i couldn't possibly-"

"seonghwa," the man called out to him, his voice was soft again and it perfectly matched his expression. "i don't mind sharing a bed with you."

"oh, right, okay," the taller seriously fought back some stutters, it seemed his mind was thinking miles faster than his mouth could keep up with. he felt an embarrassed blush make it's way to his cheeks again, so he decided it was best to just leave the room and head to the bedroom, and he really hoped the other man would get the hint because he really didn't trust his voice in that moment. 

seonghwa offered the man some of his sweats to change into, which he gratefully accepted and headed back to the bathroom to change into. seonghwa changed into his own pajamas quickly, sitting back on the edge of his bed as he checked through the notifications on his phone. 

he opened the group chat he had with both wooyoung and san and he honestly wasn't surprised to see that he had missed an insane amount of messages.

"oh?" which was followed by the giant eye emojis that was texted from wooyoung. "you brought someone home?"

"damn, our baby is finally growing up," was the text that san had sent right after followed by multiple crying emojis.

"he's older than both of us, shut up."

"you shut up, this is a milestone for him. we need to celebrate next time we meet up."

"seonghwa if you're reading these and i know you are," wooyoung had texted him lastly, "we want _all_ the details. understand?"

he really suppressed the urge to send a message saying how immature the two of them were and that it was actually possible for him to bring someone home and it shouldn't be a shocker to anyone. but he knew that this indeed was very uncharacteristic of him and his two friends would call him out immediately. so he just sent a quick text back, saying that it wasn't what they thought it was and that the man was just a friend that he was helping out. 

right before he put his phone down to turn it off for the night, he immediately got a text from san saying, "that's what they all say."

seonghwa rolled his eyes and turned off his phone, just in time before the man walked back into the room. he was definitely a bit smaller than seonghwa and his clothes definitely swallowed the other, which oddly he found very attractive. he hadn't noticed he was staring for as long as he was until the man in front of him started posing.

"i know i'm sexy in these big clothes, but no need to undress me with your eyes just yet," he teased, laughing at how seonghwa's eyes bulged from his sockets.

"i'm not-- that's not what i was--" seonghwa nearly choked on his words, his brain misfiring in more ways than one as the man just laughed at his failed attempts to explain himself.

"don't worry seonghwa," he said after he was able to calm himself down. he turned off the light with a flick on his finger and let the whole room go dark. "i was only messing with you." 

"rude," seonghwa shot back, falling backwards onto the bed with a deep sigh. he felt the bed sink at his feet and before he knew it, there was a heavy weight on his chest, nearly knocking the wind out of him.

"hope you like to cuddle," the man laughed lightly, placing his head on seonghwa's chest and throwing an arm over his body. "not like you have a choice anymore anyways."

seonghwa froze for a moment, not sure if he was allowed to breathe for at least half a minute. but he soon relaxed as the man patted his chest softly. he decided to wrap his arm around the smaller man, pulling him closer to him.

he definitely didn't expect to be sharing the bed like this with the man, but he really couldn't deny that the heat he provided was nice and calming. he didn't realize how tired he was either, and maybe if it wasn't so late already, he would've thought that this situation was a little weird and awkward.

and he decided to blame the fact that he rather enjoyed being very close to the man with the blue hair like this, and liked holding him in his arms as the man held him; on the fact that he was nearly falling asleep within the few moments that his head hit the pillow.

"you know, i think the color gray fits you perfectly," the man whispered against seonghwa's chest. "i bet most people tell you it's a boring color and it has no beauty. but i think it holds a deep sense of beauty that no one can seem to perceive, so they brush it off instead."

seonghwa hummed, the words making his chest swell with something unknown to him.

"but i can see it. and it's just as beautiful as you are."

and before seonghwa could even attempt to respond or even try to deny the compliment, the man was already speaking again, "the painting that was my favorite was the one of the ocean. people go to the ocean for the beautiful colors of the sunrise and sunset mostly, so it really was my first time perceiving it from the darkness of the night. it had an eerie and scary feeling to it, like could swallow me whole so easily, but at the same time it was so beautifully mysterious and i can't help but find myself craving for more."

"reminds me of you really," seonghwa said softly with his eyes closed.

"what does?"

"the mysterious part. i still don't even know your name, blueberry."

the man chuckled and seonghwa could feel the vibrations against his chest and he couldn't help but smile at it. 

"promise to take me to that spot by the ocean at night."

"only if you promise to sing me that song that you're making when we get there."

"done," the man answered immediately, nuzzling his face into seonghwa's chest to get even more comfortable. 

seonghwa just nodded, his senses were already leaking away from him as his tiredness finally fully caught up with him. he never slept this easily, it always took him hours to fall asleep, no matter how tired he was. 

the man listened to seonghwa's heartbeat, his finger drawing soft pattens into seonghwa's gray shirt as he payed attention to his breathing.

when his breathing slowed down significantly, balancing out to a very calm and rhythmic style, the man lifted his head for a moment to see if the taller man was actually sleeping. seonghwa looked oddly peaceful when he slept, and the man smiled so very softly when it seemed that seonghwa pouted while he slept.

the man laid his cheek back down against his chest, placing the flat of his palm on seonghwa's stomach.

"my name is hongjoong."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if I'm being honest, I don't really have a very SUPER specific plot line set up, I'm just going with the flow.
> 
> I don't expect there to be a bunch of chapters... I might just have two more. I'll try and update every two days, but no promises :")
> 
> also this prob will be the last like happy/sappy chapter, so be prepared.


	4. red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this weekend has sort of been productive... it'll be really funny if I actually get this chapter out today :").
> 
> anyways, sorry if this chapter is all over the place, but anyways, enjoy <3

before seonghwa had met the man with the blue hair, he avoided death as much as he could. it wasn't like he had traumatic experiences with it growing up, he still had both of his parents and the only time he had been at a funeral was for his grandparents. but the thought of death itself made his skin crawl and made him almost break out in a cold sweat.

he honestly could say he was allergic to it, and made it his mission to avoid it at all cases. 

which really was funny since he spent most of his time at the hospital, around sick and dying people. he had gotten better for sure over the years, but it was still extremely hard for him to be in the presence of someone who was dying. maybe it was his own fear of death itself, he was often reminded that each day that passed was another day closer to his own nonexistence. or it could also be the fear of being alone.

for someone who hated his social battery being drained constantly and preferred being alone most of the day, it was weird to him that he was so scared of being alone.

saying good bye to hyejin was easily one of the hardest things he ever had to do. he really wouldn't have done it if the man hadn't convinced him to do it, but his words seemed to strike seonghwa to the core and nearly left him feeling guilty for even thinking about not saying good bye.

"you know seonghwa," the man whispered to him as they stood outside of the hospital, "i can promise you, that someone who is leaving or dying wants to say good bye to the people they love. children may not understand why their favorite person won't see them before they go, because they can't understand certain things like how death is scary for some people when the children have grown up with it."

seonghwa had just kept his mouth shut, clenching his jaw as he tried to listen to the man's words.

"dying people want to be let go, but in a send off way. they want to be surrounded by people they love. she may wonder if she ever did something wrong because you never came to see her, trust me, i know."

it was scary, it was hard, and it was so uncomfortable to seonghwa the entire time. she let him hold her, she was strong enough that day to leave her bed for a just a little so he could carry her around her room while she showed him all the pictures that he painted on her wall. he painted another one for her, her favorite character, nala, from the lion king. he pinned it up against her wall, trying his best to be cheerful the whole time he was there.

she was pale and had a little beanie covering her bald head, but her eyes were so blue and bright that it had just a little comfort resting over seonghwa. the man was there the whole time, they came earlier in the morning and told seonghwa he would be with him the whole time.

but no matter how awkward he felt, and no matter how bad he wanted to run away and hide from the truth, he didn't regret any of it.

when they left, the man took seonghwa to go get slushies and offered to pay for his as well. that was the first time seonghwa accepted the offer, deciding to get an extra large cup instead of his usual medium one. they took a short car ride to the park near the hospital, deciding the sit on the hood of seonghwa's car and slurp on the cold drinks while they watched kids and their parents run around the grassy area.

seonghwa looked over to the man's drink, once again barely any of it had even disappeared.

"you never drink your drinks," he commented in a light hearted manner, pointing towards the full cup. "i bet you secretly hate the flavor but refuse to admit it."

"ah, i really meant it wasn't anything like that," he said softly, bringing the straw to his lips and sucking just a little. "sometimes, my stomach doesn't handle foods and liquids very well."

seonghwa furrowed his eyebrows, turning his head to better face the smaller man next to him, "are you sick?"

the man smiled a little, though it wasn't one of his usual smiles that made seonghwa feel all bubbly.

"you could say something like that."

"what's that supposed to mean?"

"that my dear seonghwa," the man leaned over and poked seonghwa's shoulder, pushing the older man off his balance a little. "is a story that may or may not be told in the future."

the taller between the two grumbled, angrily sucking down his usual cherry cola slushie, scooting farther away from the man in an attempt to be petty.

"what's wrong?" the man asked him, shaking his head to get his fluffy hair out of his face.

"you never tell me anything," seonghwa grumbled, pulling his feet up so he could wrap his arms around his knees. "you already know about my life completely, and i know nothing about you, we've nearly known each other for half a year."

the man chuckled, back to his feathery voice that made seonghwa's mood instantly lighten, no matter how mad or upset he was. the man turned to face him, patting his shoulder gently as he put his cup down on the hood of the car.

it was true, the man would come over to seonghwa's apartment more often than not, even more often than the lovely boyfriend couple that was connected at the hip. the man always said that he loved seonghwa's place more, there was more color and it had an alive feeling. the only bit of information that seonghwa ever got about the living space the man had was that it was monochrome and smelled like lysol. they would stay up extremely late, more times than not, and the man would listen to seonghwa tell him about his childhood and what got him into painting. 

"i like to listen to people's life stories, see what they've done in their free life, and yours is very interesting to me."

"but why don't you ever tell me about yours?"

the man was silent for a moment, tilting his head to the side again as his gaze wandered off towards the children sliding down the giant slides at the park.

"you could say that my life has been very boring, i don't have any fun stories for me to share."

"everyone has stories to share, what may not be interesting or fun to you, could be inspiring to another," seonghwa answered him, talking another sip from his drink.

the man turned to him, the evening rays of the sun casted a very beautiful glow on his dewy skin, and once again seonghwa felt the urge to paint him. he wanted this moment to freeze in time, and if he wasn't so shy and awkward, he would've asked to take a picture of the man.

"you don't know how nice that was to hear," and it was the way the man's words left his mouth and the way that his eyes almost seemed to be extra shiny in that moment, that seonghwa knew that even though his words were not all that superior, it had provided the man with some sort of comfort. 

"at least tell me your name."

the man hesitated, his attention was brought back to present time as he seemed to clench his jaw together as he pondered.

"hypothetically," he started, cracking the knuckles on his hands, "if i happened to randomly disappear from your life, would you still want to know my name?"

seonghwa was taken aback from that question, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "what kind of question is that? are you planning on leaving me?"

"i said hypothetically," the man put his hands up, an awkward smile playing on his lips. "and no i would never plan to leave you intentionally."

seonghwa let out a breath, he knew the man was full of double meanings and it hurt his brain whenever he tried to figure them out.

"whatever you're secretly trying to tell me with your fancy words and double meanings, i don't care what happens. i still want to know the name of the man with the blue hair who has taken over my life in more than one way."

"hongjoong."

seonghwa blinked a few times, not even expecting to hear anything from the man. he half expected that he had just heard that sound, the name seemed like a distant memory, something that was whispered in a dream, but it just felt so right and fitting. 

"hongjoong?"

hongjoong smiled softly, resting his chin on his palm as his arm was propped up against his thigh, "yes? you called?"

seonghwa just nodded his head, trying to find any sort of clue that maybe he was still in a fever dream. but he found none, and it very much real and he found himself not entirely sure how to breathe.

hongjoong looked at him softly, seemingly understanding the silent war that was happening in the walls of seonghwa's mind. he scooted closer, nearly knocking over his own drink, and plopped himself right next to the taller man. he laid his head on seonghwa's shoulder, and using his hand to brush part of gray bangs out of his face and behind his ear.

"do you see colors with some things?"

"hm?"

"like," he started, placing his hand out in front of them as he tried to animate was he was saying. "some people can see color with music or words."

"oh," seonghwa nodded his head in understanding. he shifted around a little bit to get more comfortable, placing his hand on hongjoong's thigh. "i know some people have that gift, and i can't say that i necessarily have it. but i get the feeling, if something is very important to me, i can associate a color to it."

"do you feel anything when you hear my name?"

"i do."

"what color?"

there was silence for a few moments and the two of them just listened to the distance shrieks of happiness from the children as they chased each other around the playground. but after those few moments, seonghwa just sighed, but couldn't fight the smile that made it's way to his lips.

"red."

it was weird the dynamic the two had. no labels or anything, no discussions that probably should've taken place, but they were happy with where they were. they seemed to compliment each other too well, missing pieces of the puzzle if you asked them. seonghwa even took hongjoong to go see the giant painting he had done at the capital about a month ago, and he marveled in pride as the smaller man gasped as he looked up and admired the glorious work the taller had done.

he watched the smaller man pull out a small notebook from the same old black backpack he carried anywhere they went, and checked off a box. 

"what's that?" seonghwa asked, leaning over hongjoong, resting his chin on the other's shoulder as he tried to read what was written on the notebook.

"excuse you!" the smaller kicked at him, bringing the notebook to his chest to hide what was written there. "mind your own business."

"looked like a bucket list to me," seonghwa smiled, a smug smile hung on his lips. "what else you got on there?"

hongjoong stared at him for a few moments, before sighing heavily and hanging the very worn book to seonghwa, who snatched it very greedily in his hands. he opened the book back up, his eyes reading over each of the lines that were very sloppily written.

"hm let's see," seonghwa started, "ah yes, we have the classic, read charlotte's web one hundred times."

"i'm almost at ninety nine, very close to finishing that."

"go to an amusement park... see the ocean... go star gazing... hongjoong it literally seems to me that you haven't been living for the past twenty two years."

he just shrugged, his gaze turned elsewhere, "some people didn't have a childhood like you."

even though seonghwa knew the other didn't mean anything harsh by his words, he couldn't help the sinking feeling of his heart. it was like they had been playing this game for awhile, seonghwa would try and get the other to open up more but no matter how hard he tried hongjoong refused to say anything more than he already had. he had a way of deflecting the conversation in such a smooth monotone voice that seonghwa never suspected anything from it.

and seonghwa really didn't suspect anything when they were holed up together in his apartment, cuddled together on his sofa as they looked out the window at the city lights that shined so brightly in the night sky. he loved the way that hongjoong would lay on his chest so he could play with the other's blue hair, braiding it since his hair had gotten long enough. sometimes hongjoong would fall asleep immediately, and other times he would just hum softly as the tv would play a show in the background that neither of them were paying attention to. 

but sometimes, hongjoong would sit up quickly, doubling over in a fit of coughs that had seonghwa sitting up as well, rubbing his back and asking him if he needed any water, but he would just shake his head, coughing so loudly that seonghwa was worried he would cough up a lung. it was moments like these that the overly energetic man that seonghwa knew, was not the same man in front of him. when this happened, he could see the dark circles under his eyes, or his overly sharp cheekbones.

he looked exhausted.

"hongjoong..."

"don't worry," he answered after swallowing thickly, making sure his coughing fit was over. "i'm alright."

"this has been happening more frequently, are you sure you're okay?"

"seonghwa," he called his name softly, pressing the palm of his hand to the man's chest and pushing him back onto the couch and climbing into between his legs to get back into their previous cuddle position. "you worry too much."

"i worry because i care a lot about you."

hongjoong pressed his cheek against seonghwa's chest again, humming softly as the taller man wrapped his arms around the man on top of him. they both were perfectly content like this, in each other's arms without a care in the world. 

"when we are like this," hongjoong spoke up, his words slightly mumbled against the other's chest, "i forget about all the scary things that could happen in the future. time seems to slow down for me and all of my worries, my fears, my regrets just disappear. your presence heals me."

seonghwa moved one of his hands that was previously rubbing the smaller's back and brought it up to tangle his fingers into his surprisingly soft hair.

"i feel the same way." 

hongjoong moved his hand to rest against seonghwa's neck in a very soft way, closing his eyes and snuggling his nose against his neck as well. the tip of his nose was definitely cold because as soon as he pressed it against his bare skin, seonghwa jumped just a little. 

"well you know what they say about what the color red represents." 

seonghwa chuckled, twirling some of hongjoong's hair around his finger, "what's that?"

the man in question moved up again, scooting farther up so he could look at seonghwa face to face. they looked at each other for a few moments, eyes catching each other's gaze in the dark room. 

"red represents many things," he started, his voice almost as soft as a whisper. "war and courage."

seonghwa looked at him, his hands falling down to grip at the man's thin waistline. the way the city lights were shining through the dark room had hongjoong's body lighting up around him, and couldn't help but suck in a deep breath. 

"desire," he said, leaning his face down more, placing both of his hands on either side of seonghwa's head. his nose was nearly touching the older, and seonghwa could feel his warm breath against his cheeks. neither of them could break eye contact, the air around them was thick with an unknown feeling to seonghwa, and it was the first time he wasn't scared of the suffocating feeling. 

hongjoong leaned down even more, his gaze lowering down to seonghwa's lips for a just a moment, his tongue poking out to lick at his lips. seonghwa nearly closed his eyes on instinct, his hands tightening his grip where they laid on his waist, holding the smaller man close to him. 

the first graze of their lips together sent a shiver down seonghwa's spine, his nose scrunching up as he chased hongjoong's lips. 

like the tease that he was, hongjoong backed up a little, and evil smile was plastered on his face from seonghwa's reaction. but the man himself was weak, not able to suppress the pure urge to lean down and cup seonghwa's cheek with his hand, nearly pressing their lips together once more.

"definitely desire."

hongjoong's lips were soft, the younger man's obsession with chapstick had clearly had a little bit of play in that. holding hongjoong against him in such a tender and intimate way had his body screaming from very nerve cell. he could still feel the man's breath on his cheek, the deep exhale when the need for oxygen became too much for them.

kissing hongjoong felt freeing, it was in that moment that time stopped and nothing else mattered. the world around them could wait, the reality of what would happen was put on hold. even if the kiss shared between them was gentle, soft and intimate in every way, it was the most powerful feeling seonghwa had ever felt in his life.

when hongjoong had pulled away, his lips slightly wet with his eyes shining in pure delight. he laid his body completely flush against the older, and moving both of his hands to cup both of his cheeks. he leaned his forehead against seonghwa's, rubbing their noses together gently.

"and love."

seonghwa didn't see hongjoong after that for a week. the man had completely disappeared from his life. no text messages, no random meetings from the younger in the halls of the hospital. seonghwa checked everywhere he could, even remembering to check the secret garden which they had not visited together in a long time. but hongjoong was no where to be found. 

the feeling that was settling in his stomach when two weeks passed was not something he was familiar with, but it was icky and it made him nauseous. every time when he marched into the pediatric center, he hoped and prayed that hongjoong would be sitting in that chair that he always was, with his leg crossed over the other, his favorite book in hand, but he never was.

it made seonghwa think back to what happened, made him think of his actions that night. maybe he had made the other uncomfortable and scared him off. that idea alone was enough to make the taller man rather light headed, needing to sit down on the chair with his head in his hands as he replayed all of the events that unfolded that night, desperately trying to figure out where he went wrong.

"seonghwa?" he heard yunho call out to him. the nurse was standing in front of him, clipboard in hand with a worried expression on his face. "are you alright?"

"yeah, i'm fine," he answered, though he was sure the taller man could see right through him. the dark eye bags under his eyes were an easy sign of the amount of sleep the other had been getting over the passed two weeks.

"bullshit, you look like you've died three times. what's going on?" 

seonghwa could see yeosang perk up from the nurses' station, his head shooting up from the book he was currently reading and swiftly made his way over right behind yunho, "you look like shit."

the oldest among them glared at the two of them who were standing, letting out a deep sigh as he leaned back against the chair. 

"have you seen hongjoong?" he asked, his voice came out a lot more desperate than he wanted it to. "i haven't seen him for two weeks."

"two weeks?" yunho asked, his eyebrows furrowing as he looked over at yeosang who only mirrored his expression. 

"yeah, he just disappeared on me one day..."

"that's weird, i've seen him around the hospital every day," yunho answered, flipping through some of the papers on the clipboard to double check. "yeah, he's been doing some treatment lately, which is awesome because for awhile, he said he was done accepting it. but now he has been starting up with it again."

"treatments?" seonghwa asked, sitting up in the chair with his hands gripping on the handles tightly.

yunho stared at him for a moment, then hurriedly turning to meet yeosang with a panicled expression, who elbowed him harshly in the side. yeosang had his lips pressed in a fine line, a borderline angry expression on his face as he seemed to communicate with yunho telepathically. 

"what are you talking about?" seonghwa asked, his voice elevating in tone just a little.

yunho turned back to him, his eyes wide as he swallowed, "he didn't tell you?"

"about what?" he asked, standing up on his own two feet. he looked from yunho to yeosang, searching for some sort of answer. he squeezed his fists together, elevating his voice even more when the two of them remained quiet, "what did he not tell me about?"

yunho seemed to panic more, looking awkwardly down at the floor and then back at his clipboard. seonghwa was about ready to yell at him and demand answers from the younger man, but yeosang gently put his hand on yunho's shoulder and pushed him out of the way so he could stand in front of seonghwa. he placed both of his hands on the taller man, rubbing them in a soothing way to help get him to calm down.

"hongjoong has cystic fibrosis," the smaller man said softly, squeezing seonghwa's shoulders when he noticed the older's face paled significantly. "he was diagnosed with it when he was a child, and he has been here ever since."

"so he..." seonghwa gulped, trying his best to swallow the thick knot that had swelled up in his throat. "he's sick? like, really really sick?"

yeosang's face turned very sympathetic, lips curving downwards in a frown, "i was worried he hadn't told you, i had been watching you two for a while now."

seonghwa shook off yeosang's arms, stepping away from him with a betrayed look on his face, "so neither of you even thought to tell me about something like this?"

"woah, hold on," yunho stepped in. "this isn't our place to tell you. that's hongjoong's job."

"where is he?" seonghwa asked, his voice was low and his knuckles were turning white the amount of force he was squeezing his fingers together.

"that's probably not a good idea-"

"i said where is he!"

yunho looked like he was going to continue to push back, but before the man could get any words out of his mouth, yeosang was stepping in again, his voice still as calm and collect as before, "third floor, room 356."

seonghwa didn't even remember the walk, or run for that matter, up to the third floor. he didn't even remember taking the stairs because the elevator was taking too long to work so he had bolted for the stairs. it seemed that in a split second, he was already standing in the door way of the room, panting heavily as he tried to catch his breath.

he wasn't one bit supposed to see hongjoong sitting there on the bed, the book in his lap that seognhwa decided he hated more than anything now. he looked at seonghwa with wide eyes, clearly not expecting a visit from him at all. he really looked like a deer that had been caught in headlights, his body was ridged as he completely froze.

seonghwa stared at him, the anger welling up in his whole entire body until it became so overwhelming. there was so much pressure on his chest, and his mind was swirling with so many thoughts at once he couldn't even begin to think straight.

he brought his hand up, pointing a finger at the blue haired man as he walked forward. his hand started to shake as the tears overflowed in his eyes, dripping down his cheeks. he stopped in front of the hospital bed, knees nearly buckling.

  
"you lied to me," he croaked out, his voice was so hoarse, having suppressed the sob that was forcing it's way out of his throat for too long. "you fucking lied to me."

hongjoong froze once more, his mouth opening for a moment and then closing. he reached up to grab onto seonghwa's hand that was still outstretched to him, but the older smacked his hand away viciously. 

"no!" he nearly cried, his voice cracking, "you fucking lied!"

"seonghwa... " he whispered, the tone of his voice was wavering slightly.

"when were you going to tell me huh?" seonghwa asked, throwing both of his hands up in the air. "were you ever going to tell me that you were dying?"

hongjoong flinched at the other's words, the book in his lap was long forgotten as he sighed heavily and looked around his room. seonghwa noticed the trays and containers that were filled with insane amounts of pills that were stacked on a cart in the corner of his room, and that only made the reality even more real.

"i get no word from you, nothing. you didn't call, or text, or even tell me you were alive for two whole weeks hongjoong," his voice lowered in it's volume, but the venom behind it only grew thicker and thicker. "and then i come to find that you have fucking cystic fibrosis? what kind of sick joke is this? because if you're messing with me, this isn't funny."

"this isn't a joke," hongjoong said softly.

seonghwa stood there, his hands falling limply at his sides. he felt his whole body shake, both in anger and in frustration. he couldn't bring himself to even look at the man that was seated on top of the bed, too many wild emotions were running through his veins and it was all manifesting in one giant headache. 

"i was going to tell you," he continued on, moving to sit on the edge of the bed and let both of his legs dangle over the edge. "i really was."

"bullshit," seonghwa nearly spat, the tears rolling down his red cheeks once again. he took a step away from the younger, fear settling thick in his stomach. "were you going to tell me right as you were dying and it was too late? is that what you were going to do? do you know how cruel that is?"

hongjoong shook his head a few times, an unreadable expression on his face, "i was just trying to find the right time."

"there _is_ not right time!"

"listen to me would you?"

"why should i?" he asked, wiping away at the tears with the back of his hand roughly. "all i have asked from you is to just tell me something about you for the past half year and you never told me anything! why should i listen to you now?"

"because-"

"after everything we've been through and you couldn't even tell me you were suffering with this for all of your life?"

"seonghwa."

"shut up!" he tried to yell out, but his voice was wavering so it just came out like a restricted cry. he sounded like a dying animal and his eyes were burning from the salt in his tears. "we were going to go see so many things! we had plans to go and travel the world-- and now i don't even know how much longer you have left. cystic fibrosis isn't exactly something that's curable hongjoong. how could you even think it was okay to leave that idea out of--"

"because i didn't want to lose you!" he countered back, raising his voice to nearly the level that seonghwa's was at. but as soon as he did, he curled in on himself as he started coughing harshly. the sound made seonghwa freeze immediately, his body cringing as he watched hongjoong blindly grab for a cloth on the bed and cover his mouth with it.

his whole body shook viciously with each cough, and seonghwa felt all the anger drain from his body and all he wanted to do was reach out to the other man and hold him. but when he took a step closer, he froze again and his vision nearly went black.

"because," hongjoong coughed one more time, leaning his head back as he breathed slowly through his nose. his face was extremely red, but the more he forced his body to relax, the quicker his pale skin tone recovered. "i knew you would run if i told you."

seonghwa looked at him, his heart couldn't decide if it wanted to skip beats or race thickly against his chest. he hadn't seen hongjoong look this bad before, he had never seen this level of exhaustion in the younger man, and even though it had only been a few weeks since he saw him last, he was considerably thinner.

he looked dead.

"i haven't had someone that made me so happy like you," he continued, still looking up at the ceiling as he leaned back against his arms. "i have never met someone that was willing to show me the world when i never had the opportunity to see it myself. i never met someone who looked at me like i was alive, everyone here looks at me like i'm already dead."

he finally tilted his head downwards, his gaze finding seonghwa's blurry one. 

"the first day i met you, i just knew you were someone special, though i can't say that i expected it was going to develop into what it has. but it seems to me that you feel it too, especially since you're standing here in my hospital room, yelling at me. shows me you actually care."

seonghwa went to open his mouth, but he found that no words would even dare to come out. hongjoong just smiled softly at him, his eyes were soft in understanding.

"just let me do the talking for now," he said softly. "ever since i was young, the hospital life is all i've known. all the friends i've ever had, have either been cured or unfortunately have passed on. i fought as hard as i could for so long, and it seemed that the disease got better for a few years of my teenage life, until it didn't. treatments and medication had always been so hard on me, both physically and mentally painful. there got to be a point in my life where i refused treatment and just decided to live the rest of what life i had left without the pains that treatment caused me."

"hongjoong-"

"shh," the man hushed him, quickly bringing his pointer finger to his lips for emphasis. "but the day i met you, was the day that i decided to start treatments again. i had already accepted my fate, me just doing treatment was prolonging an inevitable future-"

"so you're..." seonghwa cut him off, his voice was barely audible. "there's no chance for you to..."

he couldn't manage to get the words to come out, his voice refused to continue on. the words were thick in his mind, but he knew that once he spoke them out, the truth and the reality of the whole situation would become so much more real, and that was something he couldn't even begin to handle.

"no," hongjoong answered. "it's a terminal illness for me. the strand i have is too aggressive, there is nothing i can do."

the smaller man watched seonghwa pale even more, he watched the pure panic and fear flash over his features and for a moment the older man really looked like he was going to pass out. he started crying subconsciously again, the slow but steady stream of tears dropped to the floor with an agonizing dripping sound.

"how can you... just say it so easily ..?"

"i've have nearly twenty two years to come to terms with it," he answered softly, "but it still scares me and the nightmares keep me up at night."

"i-" seonghwa started, feeling rather unsteady again as he took another step back, the need to run away and never return ever was sitting very heavily on top of him.

"you want to run don't you," hongjoong whispered. he tilted his head, his face void of all emotion, but there did seem to be an extra shine to his eyes. "i can't stop you from running away. i can't lie to you and say that you'll have me for another two years. the reason i've been gone for two weeks and you haven't heard of me is because it has gotten so bad, i can barely leave the room. i've been greedy enough, and i know i've probably damaged you by putting you through this. so if you want to run, and forget that this ever happened, i won't stop or blame you."

seonghwa swallowed again, his skin crawling as every instinct in his body was telling him to run. "i want to run."

hongjoong closed his eyes, pressing his lips together in a fine line as he turned away from the older man, "i won't stop you."

"i want to run so bad," seonghwa repeated, though he forced his words to be stronger this time. "i want to run so bad you have no idea. every instinct inside of me is telling me to get away as fast as possible. but not matter what i do, my feet will not move."

the smaller man turned back to him, nibbling his bottom lip between his teeth in a nervous way.

"i've never been this scared in all of my life. i've never felt this lost or unsure of my next move," seonghwa tilted his head to the ground, watching the way his tears dripped off of his nose and onto the floor. he squeezed his hands together again into fists, his arms nearly glued to his sides.

"...but i can't seem to leave you."

with his head turned downwards, he couldn't see how hongjoong had shifted on the bed, he only heard the sheets rustling around. it wasn't until he heard the softest call of his name, that he looked up. he blinked away the tears, rubbing at his red and swollen eyes in order for the image in front of him to become less pixelated. 

hongjoong held his arms open, his hands reaching out to seonghwa. and it was like an instant magnet, seonghwa took two giant strides and collapsed to his knees in front of the man. he wrapped his arms around hongjoong's waist and shoved his face into this thigh. he felt soft and gentle hands gently caress the back of his head, massaging his scalp in such a soothing way as he finally let out the sobs that had been burning in the back of his throat. 

"ever since that stupid day when you showed me those stupid white lilies and then took me to get those stupid slushies," seonghwa fought every violent sob so he could get that sentence out, nearly hiccuping and choking on his own saliva. "i can't fucking see my future without you in it, and i hate it. i'm so scared and i can't even run away from it, it's left me paralyzed."

he heard hongjoong hum softly, and nearly felt in against his cheek, "i'm scared too, petrified even. you made me want to live again, made me want to live a full life like everyone else. before you came along i had accepted that i wouldn't make it to twenty five, but now, the fear that i may only have a few months left, scares me to no end."

seonghwa tightened his grip around hongjoong's waist, his tears drenching the man's gray sweats. he sniffed heavily so he could try and breathe, but his nose was too clogged and stuffed that he had no chance.

"i won't run," he whispered, then repeated it two more times to try and convince himself. "i won't run. i'll take you to see anything you want to. i'll show you the world-"

"seonghwa," hongjoong said softly again, grabbing onto the taller man's chin and forcing him to look up. he held his chin gently between his fingers, using his other thumb to wipe away the angry tears that still were welling up in seonghwa's swollen eyes. it was then that the older noticed that hongjoong was crying too, though his tears were silent, small little droplets that spilled from his eyes as he smiled down at him. he leaned down and pressed their foreheads together, and gently rubbed his nose against seonghwa's in the softest way he could.

"i've already seen the world," he whispered so very gently, and for just a quick moment, pressed his lips to seonghwa's quivering ones that nearly had the older crying out once again. "he's been in my arms this whole time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow that was a lot, my fingers hurt now.... and it's currently 2 am.
> 
> that might not have been as upsetting as i thought it was originally going to be... I think more sappy than anything. 
> 
> anways, hope you enjoy <3
> 
> one chapter left ;)

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think <3
> 
> thank you for reading!


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